Why is Everything so HEAVY?

Ever heard the expression “Your emotions get the best/worst of you?” I’m sure you have and always wondered how you can control them to not go so far deep into a depression and scare off your loved ones. There’s a new song that I have now gotten attached to by Linkin Park called “Heavy” featuring Kiiara and that song talks about your deepest darkest inner-demons you battle and face all the time. Whether it be a loss of someone close to you, human or a pet; a fight with friends and family that lead you to breaking it off; a struggle in your daily life. You always have to remember that fear and depression are not the answer. Shed some light by speaking out to someone to get you out of the dark and into the light of happiness.

Depression is a cruel evil master that not only grips your mind and makes you doubt your sanity, but it takes your heart as well and makes you feel as if you are unworthy of good and pure love. What I’ve learned over the years is that you have to fight the darkness with the light and make sure that you don’t go down a dark path of hatred and guilt that someone could have saved you, and you turned your cheek and you chose to ignore them. Through the hardest times I’ve turned to others for help when I needed it the most and they helped me get out of the darkness and into the light.

I have been going through a lot of things in my personal life that have affected me deeply and it’s taken a toll on my health and emotional levels. I have had some attempts to go to my dark place and never wanting to get out. I have had some people being dishonest with me by not speaking about issues that I might have caused or brought up to their attention from my/their past and it has affected me deeply because that includes being open and trusting so we can keep the peace and live our lives on good terms.

If people were to let go of their bad sides and focus on the good, a lot of good can come out and they won’t have to fear that someone is out to get them and they can be at peace.  A dear friend of mine, Adam Gontier, once told me that it’s always best to find that one person who you can confide in to talk about your issues to show them that you are not alone in this world and that every human being and pet have their bad days. We are all in this together and we all have to realize that no one is perfect in this world.  We all go through things in our daily lives and struggle daily to stay alive.

I recently have had a loss in my family who has been with me for the past 14 years (my dog Lewis) and it has been the most difficult process I had to go through with my family. We didn’t want to see him suffer and it was time for him to be at peace and be with my other dog Kayla who passed away a few years ago. I am a pet lover and thankful to have been with these 2 and now my adorable cat Yoda who has been in my life for 3 years and fortunate enough to have bonded with Lewis.

I’ve always told myself that instead of turning to drugs and alcohol, I use my music and creative talents to good use, and I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to, and the end results are priceless. It’s hard for me to open up to new people at first, but once I’ve warmed up to them about a fun topic that I admire, I can strike up conversations and people have to stop me from talking so much. I’m not really into being with a large group of people, but show me any type of creative thing like music and anything artistic, I have my full attention and it’s such a heartfelt feeling to remember and put a smile on my face.

I guess what I’m tying to say is that no matter how life is and how hard things may get for you, make sure to pick up the pieces on the floor and sweep up the negative away forever, and people will see a huge change in your attitude and appearance. Trust me, going back to what I previously mentioned about things from my past experiences in my life I went through, I have gone through so much that I now know who I can trust completely and those that I can call my family and friends because we understand each other.

One day when I have the courage to fight my own battles, seek the light instead of darkness and I will be more at peace with myself. Instead of going to waste money on a therapist who thinks they know the answers to my problems, which they don’t, I rather put all my focus on my writing, music and devotion to those who want to see what goes on in my daily life. Writing about what I love and those who have helped me along the way are what get me by to be alive. I’m so honored and grateful to have such awesome people in my life that their names won’t matter because they have imprinted on my heart and thank you is not enough to say it to them.

My world is brighter and more beautiful because of all of you. The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. LASTLY ONE FINAL THING TO SAY:

Thank you ALL for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever!!!

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CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!

Welcome everyone to 2017, or already 3 months in to March. What a crazy beginning of 2017 I’ve had so far. This is definitely a year of changes from home, school and personal things going on in my life. Without the support I’ve been getting through my difficult times, I wouldn’t be where I am today. The late David Bowie wrote a great song called “Changes” and there’s a lyric in his song that struck me and something that I can truly relate to. “A million dead-end streets; And every time I thought I’d got it made;
It seemed the taste was not so sweet”

I think what that means to me is that no matter where you are in your life, there will ALWAYS be some dead ends and loopholes that you have to try getting out of and find the ones who can motivate and inspire you to do great things and keep you going strong. The ones who have done that to me recently are all the guys in Art of Dying: Cale Gontier, Cody Watkins, Jonny Hetherington, Tavis Stanley and Adam Gontier (cousin of Cale and in a kickass band Saint Asonia). I do have more to name but you know who you are. All of you have changed me in ways that I still can’t explain. You have opened me up to new horizons, told me that no matter what I’m going through to never quit, keep a strong head on my shoulders and always push away the negativity. I always found that music soothes the savage beast in all of us no matter what we need it for. I use music to escape, drown out my sorrows and worries and let it take me to places far away and just be.

I am going through the most difficult change right now going back to school after over 10 years and went into a trade program Hotel Reception back in September,2016 and I’m already 3/4 finshed. I had some hard times getting through a few modules and I wanted to give up entirely on it. Someone really close to me told me to never give up and finish what I started. I had my doubts and wanted to just run away from my problems and let someone else take care of them for a change. He said to me that he has faith in me to continue and he’s been inspired by me to go back to school and be something greater to make a better career out of it. I have now gathered up the courage and built up some strength to go all the way and see the “light at the end of the tunnel” which means school and to feel proud of my accomplishments.

My all-time favorite lyrics I love quoted by Art of Dying and Saint Asonia are “If it takes forever, I will DIE TRYING”; “If I can Get Thru This, I can Get Thru ANYTHING”;  “I am doing the Best I Can, with EVERYTHING I am, don’t you know NOBODY’S PERFECT” “I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I can finally breathe again, Life’s too short, the day’s too long,In the end I knew it all along” and lastly “Let me live my life, I can go get my knife, or I can pull out the one that you stuck in my back”. 


All of these amazings lines have touched me in different ways. I mean come on, if you think logically, we all interpret what it means to us right? These amazing bands and artists are sending messages to their fans that there is nothing perfect in our worlds. We all screw up and we all have our flaws. I have not met one person who had everything handed to them on a silver platter and asked for more and had a perect life because there is no such thing as perfect. We all work hard for what we want and never give up until our time is up. Changes are either a great thing, or a bad thing, depends how you see it.

I, for one am now seeing my changes progress and I evolve every second of every day to make sure that I don’t get lost along the way and have my peers keep me grounded and secure. I don’t realize this enough but I take nothing for granted. I am a hard-working individual, I make mistakes, yes I worry at times about what my future holds, but that’s what makes me who I am. If we didn’t have doubts and worries in our lives, what would make us question things and have to search for answers? It would be too easy to have things given to you right? I know I wouldn’t like that since I am a strong-willed person who has the mind of a more mature person that I am now in my 30s.

If I didn’t have all this chaos going on right now, I would be very lost and be stuck wondering what would be going on in my life, had I not gone back to school, met some awesome people and start living the life I want to live and forget about everything bad thrown my way. People who have gotten to know me call me an inspiration and my words of wisdow have broaden their horizons to do great things. I don’t say it enough but THANK YOU for the ones who say it to me.

Lastly I want to leave you on this to think about. No matter what struggles you are all going through and think of going to the bottom and giving up on EVERYTHING, ask your self these questions, 1:Can you name one person at the top of you head who has made an impact on your life? 2:What was that impact/how did it affect your thoughts? 3: If you can tell that person some excellent words of wisdom that was passed on to you, what would you tell them?

I’ll leave this quote that I found perfect to end up this first blog of 2017. “Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.”

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